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I'm a war of head vs. heart; it's always this way...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Mothers, creepy guys, and God

One of the greatest gifts of all to any daughter would be the presence of her mother.  A figure to relate to, a figure to want to be, a figure of prefection in a daughter's eyes.  Today I spark of energy fly through me after a CRAZY day at DQ.  That spark would be love, and it was definitely a spark because I am not used to the feeling of being loved or giving love.  I remember getting off the bus station this morning and the only prayer I said was, "God, I need love today, please deliver."  I NEVER thought it would be in the form of events that happened today.  Maybe I should elaborate to make this less vague.  I went with one of my friends today out to lunch.  As we were crossing the street to get to our destination, my friend makes this sharp turn causing a long line of cars to hit the breaks pretty hard.  Nothing happened but as I was crossing I got this crazy feeling in the pit of my stomach like someone was watching me.  So far, all is fine we cross and go into the restuarant, order our food, and choose a place to sit.  While we are waiting for our food to be ready, this indian dude walks in and looks straight at me, turns to look at the menu, stares back at me, turns to look at the food, and then I tell my friend how annoying it is that Indians have to stare at you forever so they can figure out who exactly you are and who your parents are (def. annoying as heck!).  She turns around and looks at him too.  After she looked and turned back, he would NOT stop staring at me.  Our orders get called out and we both go to get them and as I am passing him he says, "hi..."  I said it back and he starts immediately rambling on about whether i am from the area or not.  Thinking this is just another indian person who doesn't know english very well trying to ask me for directions i answer him back.  He asks way more questions than i expected and me being the stupid idiot i am, I keep answering him.  He comes to the end of his conversation asking me if i have a boyfriend.  I was taken aback a little but i did say no.  The next question was so crazy i was ready to punch this guy so hard to the point where i would have taken his ability to ever be a father (not that he should be after this question)!  He asked, "would you like to hook up or have a one-nighter or anything...?"  I was so on the verge of yelling in the freakin restaurant, "Do i look like a big, effing vagina to you!?!?!?!"  Basically i was pissed and for the rest of the day i was creeped out.  After the event though, i remember how much i wish i could talk to my mom about this without her being so weird about it.  My mom, being so completely traditional would not understand why this happened without it partially being my fault.  So throughout the day, i have been on the verge of breaking down at the events of today and then the knowlege of the fact that i will never have that mother daughter bond I have always wanted; that I will never get to sit on a sofa, snuggled up and warm next to my mother sipping tea talking about the joys of being hit on or the stupidity of men.  It's amazing how simplistic your desires become when you don't have little things like the ability to talk to your mom about everything.  As the day went on though, and i thought about the restuarant and my mother, i got to thinking back to the guys life (he wasn't obviously gonna think that i have feelings or a life outside of my vagina).  I got to thinking about his relationships.  At first it was about how many girls he probably creeped on but it ended with his possible relationship with his parents.  I almost felt bad for him because i thought this was the result of an absence of having normal, loving parents (well, "normal).  First, I prayed for him, and then this immediate calm took over my body once i was done.  Slowly, warmth began spreading throughout my body.  It was the love i had prayed for that morning.  And i got it after i prayed and after i realized that i have amazing parents.  They are definitely not perfect and they are not affectionate at all, but they didn't teach me to see anyone like an object.  Neither me nor my brother.  So, today may have been creepy, angering, and frusterating to the max, but i learned so much more.  And i got the love i prayed for.   

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Find me.

Because I never was who you thought me to be.
I put on a mask and thought I would dance a little.
For you, I knew what made you happy back then.
I knew I was "loved" then.
I put on the world's best show, just for you.
Even a second of your attention would mean one less tear that night in bed.
And you accepted me,
A long as I fit the character mold of the day.
But I was fading away, drowing inside.
You missed knowing the person you were burying under the sand.
She meant a great deal to me.
A brain, a musician, a conscience, a human being.
Back then I didn't know I was missing that same person as well.
You chose who I was and what I would be.
I want to know,
who am I.
But I have a feeling you didn't know back then either,
Because, deep down inside,
I never was who you thought me to be.

Sunday, September 5, 2010


a knife through the stomach sounds so appealing,
if it means my life will be set free.
the sorrow strangles me with a tight hold,
and bleeding never seemed so sweet.
the pain,
i swim in it.
it makes me forget of the day.
the mental drag of it all,
i don't know what to say.
i was born for it.
after all,
doesn't someone need to take the pain of the world?
but, the only thing i want to know is,
did it need to be so strong today?

Lost Spark

A beautiful daughter born today,
To a family who kept too to themselves.
That night,
When she came into the world,
How could she have known,
Her love was too bright, too loyal, too affectionate for her family?
She grew and grew,
Her love slowly withering with each step in her life.
Her smile becoming dimmer with each remark they spit out.
The dullness crept in and she learned to see herself through their eyes.
She was just a money bag,
That was thrown after each time it became empty.
She was a pale, white statue,
That was ignored if it broke the tight mold it was in.
She was a criminal no matter what side she was on.
She was a pruned rose bush,
With only thorns to show.
Her speech,
Her dreams,
They never did learn though.
They never saw what their trial for her life did to her.
Insecurity filled her.
She didn’t know what people wanted from her.
She learned to trust no one, and love even less.
Every person that came into her life was after her.
And so she lived accordingly.
The love that was her birth,
Does not flicker anymore.
It lays in her heart,
A warm pool of wax with the candle burned out.
A beautiful daughter born today,
To a family who kept too to themselves,
That night,
When she came into the world,
How could she have known,
Her love was too bright, too loyal, too affectionate for her family?

Broken Love

The love I have is for other people,
To show them they are not alone, ever;
To show them that I am there for them.
The love I have is for other people,
To fill them with joy when they are sad.
The love I have is not for me.
How can anybody love something that is broken.
The love I have cannot be for me.
It’s hard to love one’s self when all you feel is pain from the sharp shards of emotional stress.
The love I have can never be for me.
Underneath my peaceful shell there is a shattered soul.
After all,
Even a car dealer wouldn’t think twice about a brand new car if the interior was all ripped up.
a couple of months ago i drifted away from the closest friendship i have ever had. i still love that person immensely and always will, but the hurt i gained from the relationship wasn't worth the actual relationship. Somehow, a miracle through God of course, i was sent an amazing friend to talk to. Someone who is close to God and wants me to be as well. Another thing, she has been through life with the same events as me. Same family troubles with over controlling, at times, unbearable parents, who also do not accept out faith, at least not completely. And the biggest thing, the we have the same way of shutting out the world and letting our pain take over our body. Letting ourselves believe that we are the problem and in the end the disappointment. But she is learning to cope. The person she lives with now is very spiritual so she has support from her as well as her church family and faith-filled friends. I can look to her and say, "someday i want to be just like her."

Recently, very very recently, i have been in constant chaos with questions fluttering in my head about God and the Bible. And so i did the out of the ordinary, for me that is, and asked for help. My co-worker was the first. Although i have yet to ask her the more difficult questions, she helped me realize the most important thing, that you can never know enough about God. And one thing, the most important thing i have learned is that He is incomprehensible. I learned that He is not meant to fit in a box and be something i completely understand and know about. After all, how can i be in wonder of something i can comprehend?

I am left here, for the moment. I am learning slowly that wounds cannot heal without letting them breathe. I want to know so much more, but i know i cannot learn anything without being cleansed first. So here i am. Trying to cover up my wounds and hide them instead of letting God cleanse them. When i got started on this chapter of my life, i had no clue how much strength it would take to turn to the next page and keep going. I have many questions and i know where the answers are, but I need to heal in the hands of my Lord.

This is basically what i have been up to lately. It's a lot and the words on this page don't even begin to cover the emotional roller coaster i have/am going through, but i have God and the friends he has sent me.

Monday, August 2, 2010


A colossel mass of questions jumbled up in my head.  They make sense, and then they don't but they do and don't and do and....do...don't......!!!!  My current confusion: my faith.  Yes, the most debated topic of this crazy thing we call life.  My head is revolving around knowing where God is.  That being, if He is even there.  So many questions just roll of my tongue and jump off to their death.  I want to ask them, but me being the way I am, I guess you could say prideful and not wanting to be embarrased, I let them commit their own salivated suicide.  However, it's a lingering suicide.  They leave their presence to forever eat at me, "YOU DID NOT ASK, YOU DID NOT ASK!!!!"
I am so over the edge right now, that my questions are commiting suicide and their ghosts' are yelling at me!