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I'm a war of head vs. heart; it's always this way...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Mothers, creepy guys, and God

One of the greatest gifts of all to any daughter would be the presence of her mother.  A figure to relate to, a figure to want to be, a figure of prefection in a daughter's eyes.  Today I spark of energy fly through me after a CRAZY day at DQ.  That spark would be love, and it was definitely a spark because I am not used to the feeling of being loved or giving love.  I remember getting off the bus station this morning and the only prayer I said was, "God, I need love today, please deliver."  I NEVER thought it would be in the form of events that happened today.  Maybe I should elaborate to make this less vague.  I went with one of my friends today out to lunch.  As we were crossing the street to get to our destination, my friend makes this sharp turn causing a long line of cars to hit the breaks pretty hard.  Nothing happened but as I was crossing I got this crazy feeling in the pit of my stomach like someone was watching me.  So far, all is fine we cross and go into the restuarant, order our food, and choose a place to sit.  While we are waiting for our food to be ready, this indian dude walks in and looks straight at me, turns to look at the menu, stares back at me, turns to look at the food, and then I tell my friend how annoying it is that Indians have to stare at you forever so they can figure out who exactly you are and who your parents are (def. annoying as heck!).  She turns around and looks at him too.  After she looked and turned back, he would NOT stop staring at me.  Our orders get called out and we both go to get them and as I am passing him he says, "hi..."  I said it back and he starts immediately rambling on about whether i am from the area or not.  Thinking this is just another indian person who doesn't know english very well trying to ask me for directions i answer him back.  He asks way more questions than i expected and me being the stupid idiot i am, I keep answering him.  He comes to the end of his conversation asking me if i have a boyfriend.  I was taken aback a little but i did say no.  The next question was so crazy i was ready to punch this guy so hard to the point where i would have taken his ability to ever be a father (not that he should be after this question)!  He asked, "would you like to hook up or have a one-nighter or anything...?"  I was so on the verge of yelling in the freakin restaurant, "Do i look like a big, effing vagina to you!?!?!?!"  Basically i was pissed and for the rest of the day i was creeped out.  After the event though, i remember how much i wish i could talk to my mom about this without her being so weird about it.  My mom, being so completely traditional would not understand why this happened without it partially being my fault.  So throughout the day, i have been on the verge of breaking down at the events of today and then the knowlege of the fact that i will never have that mother daughter bond I have always wanted; that I will never get to sit on a sofa, snuggled up and warm next to my mother sipping tea talking about the joys of being hit on or the stupidity of men.  It's amazing how simplistic your desires become when you don't have little things like the ability to talk to your mom about everything.  As the day went on though, and i thought about the restuarant and my mother, i got to thinking back to the guys life (he wasn't obviously gonna think that i have feelings or a life outside of my vagina).  I got to thinking about his relationships.  At first it was about how many girls he probably creeped on but it ended with his possible relationship with his parents.  I almost felt bad for him because i thought this was the result of an absence of having normal, loving parents (well, "normal).  First, I prayed for him, and then this immediate calm took over my body once i was done.  Slowly, warmth began spreading throughout my body.  It was the love i had prayed for that morning.  And i got it after i prayed and after i realized that i have amazing parents.  They are definitely not perfect and they are not affectionate at all, but they didn't teach me to see anyone like an object.  Neither me nor my brother.  So, today may have been creepy, angering, and frusterating to the max, but i learned so much more.  And i got the love i prayed for.   

1 comment:

  1. WOW Jesmeen that is so well wrote. your words of your experience just flows.
    You are so real with your writing I love that!!