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I'm a war of head vs. heart; it's always this way...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Find me.

Because I never was who you thought me to be.
I put on a mask and thought I would dance a little.
For you, I knew what made you happy back then.
I knew I was "loved" then.
I put on the world's best show, just for you.
Even a second of your attention would mean one less tear that night in bed.
And you accepted me,
A long as I fit the character mold of the day.
But I was fading away, drowing inside.
You missed knowing the person you were burying under the sand.
She meant a great deal to me.
A brain, a musician, a conscience, a human being.
Back then I didn't know I was missing that same person as well.
You chose who I was and what I would be.
I want to know,
who am I.
But I have a feeling you didn't know back then either,
Because, deep down inside,
I never was who you thought me to be.

Sunday, September 5, 2010


a knife through the stomach sounds so appealing,
if it means my life will be set free.
the sorrow strangles me with a tight hold,
and bleeding never seemed so sweet.
the pain,
i swim in it.
it makes me forget of the day.
the mental drag of it all,
i don't know what to say.
i was born for it.
after all,
doesn't someone need to take the pain of the world?
but, the only thing i want to know is,
did it need to be so strong today?

Lost Spark

A beautiful daughter born today,
To a family who kept too to themselves.
That night,
When she came into the world,
How could she have known,
Her love was too bright, too loyal, too affectionate for her family?
She grew and grew,
Her love slowly withering with each step in her life.
Her smile becoming dimmer with each remark they spit out.
The dullness crept in and she learned to see herself through their eyes.
She was just a money bag,
That was thrown after each time it became empty.
She was a pale, white statue,
That was ignored if it broke the tight mold it was in.
She was a criminal no matter what side she was on.
She was a pruned rose bush,
With only thorns to show.
Her speech,
Her dreams,
They never did learn though.
They never saw what their trial for her life did to her.
Insecurity filled her.
She didn’t know what people wanted from her.
She learned to trust no one, and love even less.
Every person that came into her life was after her.
And so she lived accordingly.
The love that was her birth,
Does not flicker anymore.
It lays in her heart,
A warm pool of wax with the candle burned out.
A beautiful daughter born today,
To a family who kept too to themselves,
That night,
When she came into the world,
How could she have known,
Her love was too bright, too loyal, too affectionate for her family?

Broken Love

The love I have is for other people,
To show them they are not alone, ever;
To show them that I am there for them.
The love I have is for other people,
To fill them with joy when they are sad.
The love I have is not for me.
How can anybody love something that is broken.
The love I have cannot be for me.
It’s hard to love one’s self when all you feel is pain from the sharp shards of emotional stress.
The love I have can never be for me.
Underneath my peaceful shell there is a shattered soul.
After all,
Even a car dealer wouldn’t think twice about a brand new car if the interior was all ripped up.
a couple of months ago i drifted away from the closest friendship i have ever had. i still love that person immensely and always will, but the hurt i gained from the relationship wasn't worth the actual relationship. Somehow, a miracle through God of course, i was sent an amazing friend to talk to. Someone who is close to God and wants me to be as well. Another thing, she has been through life with the same events as me. Same family troubles with over controlling, at times, unbearable parents, who also do not accept out faith, at least not completely. And the biggest thing, the we have the same way of shutting out the world and letting our pain take over our body. Letting ourselves believe that we are the problem and in the end the disappointment. But she is learning to cope. The person she lives with now is very spiritual so she has support from her as well as her church family and faith-filled friends. I can look to her and say, "someday i want to be just like her."

Recently, very very recently, i have been in constant chaos with questions fluttering in my head about God and the Bible. And so i did the out of the ordinary, for me that is, and asked for help. My co-worker was the first. Although i have yet to ask her the more difficult questions, she helped me realize the most important thing, that you can never know enough about God. And one thing, the most important thing i have learned is that He is incomprehensible. I learned that He is not meant to fit in a box and be something i completely understand and know about. After all, how can i be in wonder of something i can comprehend?

I am left here, for the moment. I am learning slowly that wounds cannot heal without letting them breathe. I want to know so much more, but i know i cannot learn anything without being cleansed first. So here i am. Trying to cover up my wounds and hide them instead of letting God cleanse them. When i got started on this chapter of my life, i had no clue how much strength it would take to turn to the next page and keep going. I have many questions and i know where the answers are, but I need to heal in the hands of my Lord.

This is basically what i have been up to lately. It's a lot and the words on this page don't even begin to cover the emotional roller coaster i have/am going through, but i have God and the friends he has sent me.