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I'm a war of head vs. heart; it's always this way...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

a couple of months ago i drifted away from the closest friendship i have ever had. i still love that person immensely and always will, but the hurt i gained from the relationship wasn't worth the actual relationship. Somehow, a miracle through God of course, i was sent an amazing friend to talk to. Someone who is close to God and wants me to be as well. Another thing, she has been through life with the same events as me. Same family troubles with over controlling, at times, unbearable parents, who also do not accept out faith, at least not completely. And the biggest thing, the we have the same way of shutting out the world and letting our pain take over our body. Letting ourselves believe that we are the problem and in the end the disappointment. But she is learning to cope. The person she lives with now is very spiritual so she has support from her as well as her church family and faith-filled friends. I can look to her and say, "someday i want to be just like her."

Recently, very very recently, i have been in constant chaos with questions fluttering in my head about God and the Bible. And so i did the out of the ordinary, for me that is, and asked for help. My co-worker was the first. Although i have yet to ask her the more difficult questions, she helped me realize the most important thing, that you can never know enough about God. And one thing, the most important thing i have learned is that He is incomprehensible. I learned that He is not meant to fit in a box and be something i completely understand and know about. After all, how can i be in wonder of something i can comprehend?

I am left here, for the moment. I am learning slowly that wounds cannot heal without letting them breathe. I want to know so much more, but i know i cannot learn anything without being cleansed first. So here i am. Trying to cover up my wounds and hide them instead of letting God cleanse them. When i got started on this chapter of my life, i had no clue how much strength it would take to turn to the next page and keep going. I have many questions and i know where the answers are, but I need to heal in the hands of my Lord.

This is basically what i have been up to lately. It's a lot and the words on this page don't even begin to cover the emotional roller coaster i have/am going through, but i have God and the friends he has sent me.

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